It's Over & I'm Okay

Break ups are hard. Every single one. Even after you've been through a few and you hope this one will be different, it still cuts you deep and makes your eyes well up with tears at embarrassing times in inopportune places.

I dumped Russ yesterday. I'd been feeling for quite a while that he was a different person when I was with him than when we were apart. And especially in a long distance relationship, that doesn't work. As a person who values authenticity and dedication above all else, I couldn't tolerate dating two versions of the same person.

The last straw was the way he acted during the depressive episode I had last weekend. I'll admit I was emotionally distant on and off for those couple days; I'd text one word answers and snap that I was just sad and that was how it was until the depression passed. But I always tell the people I'm close to if I can feel a dangerous shift in my emotions. I've had BPD since I was 17 and have learned to recognize bad episodes as they're coming and to say something about them. The fact that he was entirely insensitive to my cries for help and either pushed me away or texted me biting remarks didn't help. 

Today he said, "I can't deal with you when you're like that, especially now, when I'm under a lot of stress". Among his job woes and dealing with a sick son and a deadbeat brother, my mental illness was listed as a problem to be solved. My personality disorder, which is part of me, and which I'm dealing with as best as I can. I am not a broken car waiting for a mechanic to fix me. 

I suppose there are a few reasons why I'm so hurt by this: 

1) I really, truly thought we'd be together a long time. I really loved him.

2) My illness has been used as an excuse for people to want out of my life before. Remember Kamen? I've grown much thicker skin since that break up, but ableist digs related to my mental illness still rile me up.

3) Most of all, I'm heartbroken because last week, during my depression, he told me he loved me and he'd always be here and that my Father's Day post was beautiful. Now I'm left to question whether he meant any of that.

It's time to move on.

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