12 Ways To Boost Your Confidence

Confidence is one of those beautiful, elusive qualities we all seek but can never seem to attain. It's not surprising, considering the air brushed images we're surrounded by, rape culture we're immersed in, and fatphobia and bigotry being spewed by media, family, friends and doctors alike. 

But I'm proof that being confident is possible, no matter your shape, size or dis/ability. 

I have multiple chronic illnesses and use a cane to get around. I wear a size 26 (US) and have curves in all the "wrong" places. I have self harm and dermatillomania scars all over my body. 

Despite the fact that modern mainstream society sees me as ugly, I know I'm beautiful. I also know there's much more to me than my physical attributes. And I don't care if other people disagree. It's taken me a long time to get to this place, but I really don't care about the naysayers, the fat haters, the bigots who think disabled people are better off neither seen nor heard. I've done a lot of work, between therapy, changing the way I dress, the way I think, the media I consume, and the people I hang out with, and it's paid off.

Here are 12 ways you can become more confident, too:

1. Create a positive environment. Growing up with an abusive father who constantly belittled me for compulsively picking my skin or for being too heavy, I internalized these ideas and they became negative self-talk. For years, I berated myself for eating too much, not exercising enough, being stupid or being ugly. How could anyone feel good about themselves with an external or internal monologue like that? I've learned to surround myself with people who uplift me and who personify the confident, loving person I want to be.

2. Self care. I know it's become a bit of an irritating buzzword, but self care can't be overlooked. Push yourself to work toward your goals, but know when to rest. Have a hot bath. Set reminders so you never miss a vitamin. Invest in a class you're interested in. Paint your nails. Listen to your favourite song. No matter how small the act of self care, it's worth it. You are worth it.

3. Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. When I was about 18 and feeling particularly down on myself, my therapist told me to write a list of 5 things I should be proud of. It took me a good 15 minutes, but I managed. I learned to use my past accomplishments as motivation. If you've got a list of things you've done successfully staring you in the face, no new challenge can knock you down.

4. Perform random acts of kindness. As Audrey Hepburn said, "For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness...". Knowing your beauty is more than skin deep will boost your self esteem.

5. Take selfies. From above, from the side, full body, portrait, from "ugly" angles... Get used to how you look. The more you look at yourself, the more you desensitize yourself to your "flaws". After a while, you might even start to like how you look! (This tactic worked great with my nose, which I actually think is super cute, after years of hating it).

6. Follow body positive and fat positive blogs and Tumblr accounts. Representation matters. Studies show that being exposed to a larger variety of body types, sizes and colours increases our tolerance and appreciation of them. If you're having a hard time finding bodies like yours in the media (which most of us are!), purposely seek those bodies out. Seeing people who look like you will make you feel better.

7. Wear makeup... or don't. Do you feel good wearing a full face of makeup? Would you rather be bare-faced? Is a swipe of lipstick or a little mascara all you need? Prefer blue lipstick to vampy red, or natural makeup to bold looks? Forget your mom's or your boyfriend's or Allure's opinion about makeup, and wear what makes you feel like you.

8. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Try on every item of clothing you have, and make sure it fits comfortably. If you have to tug at it so it sits right, or if it's so oversized that you feel unattractive with it on, donate it.

9. Act as if. There's a reason "fake it 'til you make it" is such an ubiquitous saying: there's truth to it. Stand tall. Speak as though you know everyone is hanging onto your every word. And soon enough, they will.

10. Practice "Power Posing". Did you know changing your body language changes your body chemistry, thereby changing the way you interact with others and how they perceive you? As Professor Amy Cuddy explains in her TED Talk, this takes faking it 'til you make it a step further: fake it 'til you become it.

11. Don't read "health magazines". They aren't really about health, or they'd feature people of every size, and talk about ways to feel good about yourself, not how to make your stomach look flatter. Tl/dr: So-called health mags are bullshit.

12. Stop thinking of your body as something that needs work. Your body is beautiful and miraculous and resilient and perfect just the way it is.

Learning to be confident in who you are and how you look is a process, and no one is confident every moment of every day. But: Cultivate good habits, wear things that make you feel gorgeous, and hang out with the right people, and you'll be well on your way to loving yourself. And that's what matters.
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My Bittersweet 25th Birthday

Birthdays are bittersweet for me. Another year means another 365 days of illness that no one understands, another 365 days without my father, another 365 days of falling short of everything I had planned for myself when I was 16, able bodied, and ready to take on the world.

But... I also love birthdays. Birthdays are a time of reflection, self care, spending time with people I love, dressing up just for fun. And this year my birthday coincides with Rosh Hashanah, which makes it all the more special.

I'm still getting used to celebrating special events as a spoonie. You'd think I'd have the hang of it by now, being sick for almost 10 years. But I don't. Does anyone ever really 'get used to' being sick?

I'm spending my birthday at the pain clinic with my mom, who's also a spoonie (my turn getting huge needles shoved into my head, neck and back is tomorrow) and then at the pharmacy, getting refills on my 1835892 medications. And I've had a migraine for over 30 hours, so that might add to the 'fun'.

I do get to eat my mom's homemade lasagna for dinner tonight and plan for our mini trip to Buffalo later this week, so it's definitely not a bad birthday. It just takes getting used to. I miss going to school and getting tons of 'happy birthdays', and hugs and presents from relatives who don't talk to me any more, and being able to afford an amazing cake, and not being in excruciating pain for the duration of my big day.

But spoonies can't be choosers, or something. Right?

My 25th birthday isn't what I expected it to be. But I'm not quite what 24 year-old me expected me to be, either.

Image: This gorgeous cake topper from EllaCelebration on Etsy.

Be an elephant.

Elephants prove that you can be goddamn majestic even if you're fat and have imperfect skin. Maybe even especially if you're fat and have imperfect skin. Be your wild, beautiful self, girl.

My Mom Is My Hero

It's Father's Day weekend, but since my dad's a deadbeat, I'd like to write a post honouring my other parent: the bravest, most beautiful person I know.

My mom is a warrior. She's survived so much: 

-abusive relationships
-getting an epidural that would fuck up her tailbone for decades
-being paid a fraction of what she's worth doing a job she loved too much to quit
-subsequently quitting that job because her Fibromyalgia became too severe
-starting a mental health coaching business inspired by the support group she started in 1999 to help anxious kids like me
-getting ropivacaine injections in her head and then holding my hand while I get the same shots down my spine
-pretty much being my 24/7 caregiver when my pain and fatigue are too much to handle
-doing everything with empathy and love.

The truth is, I've tried so many times to write about my mom and what she means to me, but when a person is so special, so multi-faceted, how could a few hundred words on the Internet do her justice?

I guess the main thing I want to say is that, I know parents don't get to choose which of their genes to pass on, and I know I got some shitty ones (predisposition to mental illness and high blood pressure, anyone?!), but I got some incredible gifts instilled in me thanks to my mom, too. Like passion and empathy and the ability to express myself through writing. And I know if she could have had a say in what genes to give me, these positive ones I see in her are all I'd have.

I'm the luckiest daughter in the world. I mean that. Love you, Maman.

It's okay!

As fat women, we're expected to put in 10 times as much effort as thin women, to be respected and accepted. Treated as human. 

Only Good Fatties are even marginally acceptable in our society; if you're not dressed to the nines, if you don't choose salad over fries every time, if you don't work out like you're on the Biggest Loser, if you don't condemn fat people who eschew the Good Fatty archetype, good luck getting a job, or dating, or getting adequate medical care, or even being able to post on Instagram without getting death threats.

I want you to know that it's okay...

It's okay if you want to wear yoga pants and a loose shirt and no make-up.
It's okay if you dress up every day.
It's okay if you work out every day.
It's okay if you don't.
It's okay if you eat salad every day.
It's okay if you eat salad occasionally.
It's okay if you choose fries over salad, every time. 
It's okay if you're not healthy. Lack of health is not a moral failing.
It's okay if you're pissed because the mall doesn't carry your size.
It's okay if you don't like being fat.
It's okay if you love being fat.

The bullies aren't the ones who have to live in your body day in and day out. What it comes down to, is that this is your body (this is your life!) and you get to choose what to do with it. Do what makes you feel healthy and happy-- however you define healthy and happy. There's nothing wrong with your size.
A photo posted by Rebecca Esther (@rebeccaesther) on
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