On Break-Ups

I've been in three (romantic) relationships. All three were disasters. All three break-ups were disasters. But I've learned a lot from them.

Break-up #1

I was 18. Serge was 20. The experienced, slightly older guy. I think that's all I saw in him. That, and he seemed to like me, which made my self-esteem swell.

Things started going downhill when he said "you have such a good head on your shoulders! You mustn't really suffer from depression. You don't need antidepressants". I thought I could overlook that ignorance, but he started telling me to change numerous things about myself-- my weight, my hair colour, my taste in music.

What really got to me was when he said he'd be away for the weekend and couldn't talk. And he didn't get in touch with me until a week later, when he said he'd made the whole thing up, he was just sick of me.

I know I can be clingy. But that was unnacceptable.

What I learned:

It's healthy to evolve in a relationship, or to improve or change little things about yourself to make the other person happy. But when you're expected to become a completely different person just to make your lover happy? Dealbreaker.

Break-up #2


Siri was a lovely, curvy blonde from Norway. We loved the same music, Scandinavian culture & burlesque.

Three things tore us apart: Distance. My Borderline (I wasn't dealing with it well at the time, at all). Her insecurity.

And her friends interfered in our relationship. A lot. I'm not ready to talk about that part though.

What I learned:

Some relationships just can't be saved. Just hope you grew as a person & keep calm and carry on.

Break-Up #3

This is the big one. It's still a raw, open wound. It happened today.

Kamen and I were friends. We met through a mutual friend named Nelly. She's English. Kamen's American. I'm Canadian. Of course distance was a problem from the start. (WHY do I always fall for people who live far away?!).

We each developed a crush on each other... And I confessed it during a late-night facebook chat. He said that he felt the same way. Within a couple months, our crushes turned into love. I'd never felt like that about a person before. I thought we'd last forever.

I went to visit him in the summer, then again in September. I took the bus, because it was all I could afford. I spent at least 70 hours total on buses & in Greyhound stations, but I felt it was worth it. I'd do anything for him. Anything.

Toward the end of my stay with him (the very end of November 2011), I had to look up an address. He let me use his phone (I didn't have wifi or 3G that day). I'm not used to Androids so I accidentally hit a button that brought up his latest text messages. Messages from his friend Victoria (who I thought was my friend, too), belittling me for suffering from a mental illness, making light of my emotions, & worst of all, saying I'd kill myself if he left me, but he had to because I was a crazy bitch.

I understand being angry. I know things are said out of spite and hurt sometimes. But making light of a serious mental illness? Laughing about something I'd only ever confided in him about, with his friend? That crossed a line.

Our relationship slowly died after that. And now it's fucking dead and buried. I'm better off that way.

I'm still trying to figure out what the lesson I've learned from this relationship is. So far, here's what I've got: Travelling across the continent alone has shown me I'm braver and more independent than I thought. Dealing with my suicidal thoughts, panic attacks & his cruelty regarding them has made me a much stronger person. But most importantly:

I'm not bitter. I still believe in love. Even if, romantically, I'm alone for the rest of my life, I know love is real, because the empathy my friends and family have shown me is pure and wonderful and exsquisite. Plus, love isn't just romance. I'm in love with books, cities, feelings & ideas.

"My faith in love in still devout"...

5 comments:

  1. *hugs*. It's nice to hear about someone else who came out of this ok. Similarly, I was called a "crazy bitch" for getting frustrated with "a friend" for repeatedly lying about why he broke up with me. I then threatened to kill myself at which point he cut off all communication with me.

    The twisted way in which society teaches us to love can, I think, be particularly dangerous for those suffering from depression or BPD. The way I see it, romantic love is a lie that begets more lies and suffering for those who try to attain it. I've resolved to make genuine friendship the basis of all my relationships and I'm finding I'm happier for it.

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  2. I'm glad you're not bitter and still believe it love. After being cheated on and lied to,I think that planted a seed of bitterness inside me. I still believe in love,but it's changed me. I'm more cynical than I used to be and less trusting in general than I used to be. Funny thing is,I'm still with him!

    I'm sorry about what happened with kamen, I don't know whom I'd be more angry with,him or Victoria. But hey,by surviving you'll show everyone that you're far stronger than they think!

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  3. You fucken liar.
    My there was a new text from Victoria, it wasn't open to her name. You can't "accidently" open it.

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  4. Brigitte :)06 January, 2012

    I cannot describe how wonderful this post is. Truth is, you live and you learn. I admire your inner strength and independence, but most of all, your ability to turn horrible experiences into positive lessons. You are wonderful far beyond words. I'm sorry your relationship with Kamen didn't work out. I agree with you, what his friend wrote was insensitive. And him turning things around and pretending to be mad at you for reading his messages, completely unacceptable. Know that you did the right thing. Sending you hugs.

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  5. Love when bitches start talking shit.....

    "You fucken liar.
    My there was a new text from Victoria, it wasn't open to her name. You can't "accidently" open it.

    REALLY? REALLY? you want to talk about fucking liars? SERIOUSLY?

    H-E C-H-E-A-T-E-D!!!

    -bitchplease

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