My Bittersweet 25th Birthday

Birthdays are bittersweet for me. Another year means another 365 days of illness that no one understands, another 365 days without my father, another 365 days of falling short of everything I had planned for myself when I was 16, able bodied, and ready to take on the world.

But... I also love birthdays. Birthdays are a time of reflection, self care, spending time with people I love, dressing up just for fun. And this year my birthday coincides with Rosh Hashanah, which makes it all the more special.

I'm still getting used to celebrating special events as a spoonie. You'd think I'd have the hang of it by now, being sick for almost 10 years. But I don't. Does anyone ever really 'get used to' being sick?

I'm spending my birthday at the pain clinic with my mom, who's also a spoonie (my turn getting huge needles shoved into my head, neck and back is tomorrow) and then at the pharmacy, getting refills on my 1835892 medications. And I've had a migraine for over 30 hours, so that might add to the 'fun'.

I do get to eat my mom's homemade lasagna for dinner tonight and plan for our mini trip to Buffalo later this week, so it's definitely not a bad birthday. It just takes getting used to. I miss going to school and getting tons of 'happy birthdays', and hugs and presents from relatives who don't talk to me any more, and being able to afford an amazing cake, and not being in excruciating pain for the duration of my big day.

But spoonies can't be choosers, or something. Right?

My 25th birthday isn't what I expected it to be. But I'm not quite what 24 year-old me expected me to be, either.

Image: This gorgeous cake topper from EllaCelebration on Etsy.

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