I wanted to die

Warning: This post discusses suicide + therefore might be triggering.

Another note: Please understand that I am NOT suicidal anymore. I'm fine. It's something that hits me, out of the blue (because I have Borderline Personality Disorder). I am NOT talking about this to scare you, nor because I want attention, but because someone, anyone needs to step up and be open about their struggles with mental illness. One of these brave people is going to be me.


I wanted to die.

I spent all day secretly planning my suicide.

In the evening, I started panicking.

I was being torn apart from the inside.

Sobbing. Clawing at my skin, wanting to cut, desperately.

Finally, I called him. It was almost 2 am and I said, "I need you. I want to die. Except I really don't want to die!".

He talked to me. He said, "I believe in us. And Becca, I do love you".

I thought: a life without meaning isn't a life at all.

I can listen to music. I can write. If my Love believes in me, I can believe that I have a future (and a future with him).

That is meaning enough for me.

Breathe.

One step at a time, I come away from the water's edge. The pills and liquor remain in their bottles. The razor is far from my skin; there is barely a mark on my flesh, no crimson to be seen.

I'll be okay.

3 comments:

  1. *hugs*

    I know that feeling. For me it's gradual until I just want to hurt and then I just want it to stop.

    I think you're brave for sharing this. I know how hard it is firsthand to say this.

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  2. You're so right Rebecca! More and more people need to step up and speak out about their struggles. Sharing one's struggles with depression can help other people, and if it even helps only one person, then it is worth it!

    I too struggled with a horrible depression. It was the darkest, lonliest place I had ever been, and wish to never, ever go again. I too almost cut out of this wonderful, amazing life of mine, far too early from severe depression and an accidental overdose. Depression is debilitating and far too many people suffer in silence.

    Big hugs to you for stepping out and speaking up!

    You can read my story and struggle here; http://muppetsmom.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-second-chance-at-life.html?showComment=1286769909639#c8076880043396529384

    Darlene

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  3. [...] Links: “I wanted to die” [TRIGGERING] | etched in tin Category: Happiness ToWriteLoveOnHerArms (TWLOHA) — [...]

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